November 21, 2006    :: Comments (4)::

Check Back Soon - Wesblog is Upgrading

I hate gift certificates.
Who the hell decided that it was rude to give money as a gift, but acceptable to give store credit? The only advantage of giving someone a gift certificate is they are more likely to buy themselves an actual present instead of wasting the money on food or a mortgage payment. But why does every store think this argument applies to them? "Dear Santa, please bring me a $10 gift certificate to McDonalds this year so I can finally get myself the McChicken Value Meal that I've always wanted."
If it is really the thought that counts, McDonalds gift cards should come with a fanny pack, velcro shoes, and a helmet.
Wesblog poll: What is the worst Christmas gift you have ever gotten?

Damn it. The Sr. Producer always vetoes my best fonts. Apparently, "Fox Kills O.J." is to controversial for C&N. Might be a good trivia name though...

November 18, 2006    :: Comments (11)::

November 16, 2006    :: Comments (4)::

Through scientific research I have conclusively determined that Qdoba burritos are exactly 7.2 times better than any menu item at Moe's. Sadly, we only have a Moe's in the C&N atrium, and today's turd of a moeritto made me question humanity. How can we survive as a society when such horrible mexitrocities continue to occur with astounding frequency.
In a related topic Bono, also known as Jesus II, brought the crowd at a recent U2 concert to a stunned silence when he began clapping his hands in a rhythmic fashion and asserted, "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies."
Fortunately, one level headed thinker in the front row ended Bono's harangue when he yelled, "Well quit fucking doing it then!"

November 14, 2006    :: Comments (8)::

Are you a girl? Do you play soccer? What are your feelings on dogs dressed as bumblebees?
If you answered awesome! to any one of those questions you may be eligible to join our championship soccer team The Onetouchables.

Things overheard in the C&N atrium
Exasperated Dude: "Hey man... She told me she was 18."
Dude 2: "Whatever you gotta tell yourself buddy..."

Google Ads
Based on computer analysis of the text in all my emails Google now thinks that I am interested in:

• Top quality Asian Dramas
• Success to Stop Gout Pain Fast
• Discount Atlanta Funeral Arraignments

To coincide with today's poll I've decided to publish the life lessons taught by 80s cartoons.

• The Smurfs - Communism works
  For naysayers who point to the Former Soviet Union as proof that communism is inherently flawed, may we merely direct your attention to Smurf Village, where everyone shares everything, wears similar utilitarian clothing, battles Gargamel and his turn-Smurfs-to-gold get rich quick schemes and obeys the dictates of a bearded, red hat-wearing, benevolent authority figure. Quoth Comrade Papa: "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." Really, he actually said that.
  How it affected us as adults: Secret communist agendas ceased being dangerous, or really any adjective of consequence, years ago. The worst thing communism does these days is make Ivy League students waste a couple of years wearing ugly clothes and attending boring meetings. However, the sexual politics of Smurf Village, with its one female for every 30 guys, did go a long way towards preparing us for freshman year of college.
• Popeye - Spinach is good for you
  Sure, it doesn't taste as good as candy, ice cream or opium, but it's full of essential vitamins and minerals that'll make your muscles explode like battleship cannons. If you want to triumph over the bullying Blutos of the world and win the affections of your own lovely, leggy Olive Oyl, pound a can of spinach at least once a day. Or put it in your corncob pipe and smoke it, like everybody's favorite ornery, mumbling sailorman. Toot toot!
  How it affected us as adults: You only need to look at the steroid scandal rocking Major League Baseball to see that Popeye raised a generation that is willing to use performance enhancers. Also, it should be pointed out that Olive Oyl was the first anorexic sex symbol.
• GI Joe - Knowing is half the battle
  The other half of the battle is kicking Cobra's terrorist ass. And with the coolest soldier codenames ever --Snake Eyes, Duke, Lady Jaye, Shipwreck-- winning the war on terror should be no problem. Good will always win out over evil, because good guys work together (Team Work! Cooperation!), while bad guys are ruthless cowards who turn tail and run whenever G.I. Joe's laser guns get to zappin'. As Sergeant Slaughter once said: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we." Now that's some good strategery.
  How it affected us as adults: Actually, we're pretty certain that our strategy for the Iraq War was conceived after a two day long G.I. Joe marathon in the Pentagon. They just implicitly trusted that the good guys were going to win, that firing off our guns would make the bad guys run for the caves and that giving everyone cute nicknames was somehow endearing. When things didn't turn out the way they'd planned, the administration placed the blame on faulty intelligence, or in other words: "Knowing is half the battle, and we unfortunately didn't know shit."
• He-Man - It's OK to be gay
  Look at this guy: golden locks cut in a tasteful bob, buff biceps, tanned, toned, hairless torso, a magic sword and most importantly, fabulous powers. What's more, He-Man invites his handsome friends, the Masters of the Universe, to come hang out in his castle anytime. Of course Skeletor and his fugly cohorts are never allowed access to the secrets of He-Man's dark, dry palace. Yes, we had He-Man toys, like Ram-Man, Trap-Jaw and even Castle Grayskull. We also had a favorite pair of tighty whiteys that had He-Man on one cheek and Skeletor on the other, battling over our asshole. But did merely owning and wearing that underwear make us gay?
  How it affected us as adults: As regards the above question, it's a very complex matter, but in a word: yes. (For more on depictions of homosexuality in '80s cartoons, please see Care Bears.)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - April O'Neil is hot
  She's got red hair, wears a sexy yellow jumpsuit and gets down with anthropomorphic pizza-fiends. Most girls want nothing to do with dudes that live in the sewers, but not April O'Neil. She doesn't even mind hanging with that old man-rat wearing a pink kimono! This girl is a freak, for real. I've got one word for you dude: cowabunga. Cowabunga that chick in your underground lair all night long.
  How it affected us as adults: Mistakenly thought girlfriend would be cool with it if I call her dude, eat nothing but pizza and wear a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask during sex.
• Transformers - Robots will kill us all
  This is a humbling lesson for any child to learn, but an easy one to accept, considering Transformers was one of the coolest cartoons of the '80s. Would the Unabomber have renounced his violent ways if he were to witness the sheer stunning spectacle that is Grimlock? Hard to say, since he didn't have a TV. But we will tell you one thing: when machines replace humans at the top of the food chain, we'll be standing on the sidelines, waving our Autobot flag with fervent pride. Because, let's face it, getting eaten by an alien car would suck.
  How it affected us as adults: The reason we stay away from Priuses and make our TV wear a blindfold when we sleep at night.

November 10, 2006    :: Comments (7)::

• It is a "serious crime" to tell women you see a tick on them thus tricking them into removing their clothing.
• From the Headlines You'd Rather Not See Department: Killer missing from mental hospital
• " 51 slaps for accused rapist"
• Drunk guys get ass kicked by llama.
• Mmmmm... invisible sandwich.

Faris: Emory's school of health is pretty diverse.
Wes: Yeah, there are white people of all different nationalities.
Last night I disguised myself as an Emory student and went to the Sangria social for the school of health. Never have I seen so many guys in sport coats. I was beginning to feel out of my element until I saw a quesadilla fly across the room and hit a girl in her shoe -- and the alcohol takes effect.
Faris recognized one girl from IU who looks exactly like this chick from The Disney Channel's Suite Life of Zack and Cody. And yes, they share more similarities than both being Asian.
Disney chick was pretty cute, but Faris regretfully admitted "I think she is mildly retarded."
It sure is nice of Emory to be an equal opportunity university.

November 8, 2006    :: Comments (7)::

I have the bird flu, except in my case it is more like the hard-ass pterodactyl flu [BA-CAWW].
I spent last night shaking more than a paint can at Home Depot. Since I was unable to get any sleep at all, I went in to work at 6:00 this morning. After half a day of sitting with my head down on my desk I finally called the doctors.
"Um, we can set up an appointment for you next Thursday the 16th."
"What?!" I shouted hoarsely, "I will either be well or dead by then."
Kaiser finally agreed to fit me in sometime around 2:30 today.
When I arrived at Kaiser I looked so shitty that one of the clerks called a nurse and she escorted me to a tiny room with a bed. "You can wait here until we have a regular room available for you" the nurse said before turning on a night light for me (to keep the monsters away) and flipping off the overhead lights.
I slept for close to an hour before I was transported to a much more hospitally looking room with a lady doctor waiting inside. Lady Doctor went through all the basic test before informing me that she really had no idea what was wrong. I probably had the flu, strep throat, bronchitis, or some awesome combination of the three.
To help my maladies Lady Doctor gave me three prescriptions. The first is a fun inhaler that makes me feel high, and also opens my throat making it possible to breathe. I like to pretend that I am Mikey from the Goonies whenever I use it.
My second prescription is something called Congestac. I am a little worried about taking this medication as it is kept behind the counter on the same shelf as all the condoms. I am going to read that box extra carefully to be certain that I am not popping generic orthatrycyclin.
And finally, I got some good 'ole antibiotics. Shut up public health students. I don't want to hear your bullshit about the flu being a virus... blah, blah, blah. Maybe if you watched Osmosis Jones a few times you would have some idea how the immune system actually worked.
And now it is time for sleep.

November 6, 2006    :: Comments (10)::

My mom asked me if I'd like her to change my name to Finley when she changes the rest of the family's this week. Having a hyphenated last name is a bitch so I agreed, but not before an attempt to convince her Max Power has a nice ring to it.

Instead of the usual K-Fed DJ at CJs this Friday there was 350 lbs. black man who would not shut up. Biggie II seemed to think his voice was much more interesting than any song and talked over the music more than Nate Dogg. While it was sometimes funny to hear him make fun of white people on the dance floor trying to "lean back," I was like, "Dude, I don't go to the pool and make fun of black people learning to swim, don't come to CJs and insult white people trying to dance." (too far? I almost went with a bank loan analogy, but I'm not sure it was any better.)

Laura and I encountered a bit of an obstacle when we returned from the airport yesterday. One of the cats had locked her bedroom door. While Laura attempted to coax Pippy to unlock the door I tried in vain to pick the lock with a screwdriver and an Allen wrench. Eventually, we decided to freak the neighbors out and I used a hammer to pry open one of the windows wide enough to squeeze Laura through. Too bad we didn't have any ski masks.

My mom eats bugs. At lunch the other day my brothers were again complaining that my mom tried to feed them rice with worms in it.
"They're dead. And you could use the protein." my mom asserted.
After listening to them argue for a few minutes I butted in, "Mom, you can't win this argument. You really shouldn't be eating bugs and especially not feeding them to other people. Also, this wasn't fillet mignon; this was rice. You could pick up a 50 lbs. bag of the stuff for $10. You weren't even being stingy. You just wanted to see everyone eating bugs."

November 2, 2006    :: Comments (14)::

You are a Social Liberal (78% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (68% permissive) You are best described as a: Libertarian Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Some of my favorite URLs
1. Who Represents - Find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity at: www.whorepresents.com
2. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: www.penisland.net
3. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: www.therapistfinder.com
4. Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
5. Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales : www.molestationnursery.com
6. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church at: www.cummingfirst.com
7. Then, of course, there's these brainless/fast art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
8. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com

October 31, 2006    :: Comments (8)::

So You’ve Purchased a Matrix 3! (Alternate Title: So you’ve decided to kill yourself slowly and painfully!)1
By: Charles Cullen

So you’ve purchased a Matrix 3!  Congratulations!  You’re well on your way to passing out from facial blood-loss.  Perhaps first you’d like to read a little bit about the Matrix 3 “Razor”2 and hear a few reasons why it’s superior to the Mach Three.   

The Matrix three was first developed by the Spanish Inquisition and was used to “purify” non-believers, heretics, and those guilty of having beards they really should have shaved already.3  It was deemed too cruel by Pope Gillette II only a week after its inception, however, and replaced by the more humane “genital hammer.” 

Conspiracy theorists claim that Nostradamus predicted the Mach three in his famous quatrain:

      And in that time there will come upon them a razor most vexing

      And pain will sit atop a throne of shaving cream

      In such time no good shave will be possible

      Boy, will that razor suck

Serious historians reject this theory and point to the diary of Saint Thomas Moore for evidence of a proto, pre-inquisition Matrix 3.  The relevant portion reads as follows: 

“Got bored and glued some rusty blades to a stick today.  All at weird angles and stuff.  Dared my assistant to shave with it.  We will be having the memorial service tomorrow.” 

Reasons why the Matrix 3 is better than the Mach 3: 

●  It’s a closer shave!  Way, way closer.  The Matrix 3 doesn’t just get close to the skin, it gets under the skin.  You don’t have to worry about a beard if you don’t have a face!

●  It’s programmed to help you!  The Matrix 3 comes programmed to fall apart as you are taking it out of its packaging, and then cut you as you try to put it back together.  This will teach you not to buy things at the family dollar; a valuable lesson.

●  It will prepare you for torture!  When the islamofascists are attaching electrodes to your genitals, you’ll be able to look them in the eye, give a devil-may-care laugh, and say something along the lines of “I shave with a Matrix 3, boys.  Do your worst.”  This will terrify them.  Why do you think Osama has such a long beard?

●  It’s cheaper!  Because it’s worse!  Why buy something good when you can buy something vastly inferior and more dangerous for a slightly lower price?! 

This concludes your Matrix 3 tutorial.  I hope you have enjoyed reading it and hope that Fiona can learn to love a man without a “face”…in the traditional sense.

October 30, 2006    :: Comments (5)::

Daylight savings is retarded
By Wes Finly-Price
DST was first mentioned in 1784 by Benjamin Franklin in a letter to the editors of the Journal of Paris. While Benji is often referenced by supporters of DST, it should be noted that these supporters are stupid, and Big Ben's letter was actually a satirical piece suggesting that a tax be levied on those who have their shades drawn during daylight hours.
The idea of DST was first put into practice by the German government during WWI. And since Germany was just full of great ideas around that time, US Congress followed suit and adopted DST in 1918. However, the American people were apparently smarter a century ago and the law proved so unpopular it was repealed in 1919.
DST was reinstated in the United States on February 9, 1942 as a wartime conservation effort and much like the Patriot Act, unwarranted wiretapping, and torture policies, war made an excellent excuse for stupid legislation.
Congress, in all its splindiferous knowledge, decided that if people were awake more during the daylight hours they would save money on the cost of lighting. Even if we pretend that this "logic" actually works (it doesn't. Studies show more energy is consumed due to A/C) changing time is an idea so stupid it boggles the mind. The only explanation I see for the reintroduction of DST is that Paris Hilton (make that 3 straight entries baby!) and Nicole Richie somehow produced a child together and this black hole of knowledge stumbled upon a time machine, traveled back to 1942, was elected to congress, and convinced everyone it would be a good idea to fuck up the clocks twice a year.
You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with [Time]
Just look at all the trouble Marty McFly got into when he traveled back to 1955 -- first his mom tries to rape him, then he gets Parkinson's.
Instead of altering the space time continuum (or at least making me reset my watch), why not have everyone show up an hour later for work? Passing legislation aimed at changing time implies that people do not have the ability to choose when to wake up and exemplifies governmental paternalism (I stole my conclusion from Wikipedia).

Don't deaf kids know anything about apathy? Students at Galludet, a university for the hearing impaired, have successfully removed the school president after weeks of protests. Weeks of protest -- seriously?. Among complaints of general ineptitude former president Dr. Jane K. Fernandes is accused of not being deaf enough. Some students even staged hunger strikes until Dr. Fergi stepped down.
I'm sure this lady was probably a bitch, but nobody ever likes the dean. These kids really need to sit down and watch Animal House (with the subtitles turned on of course), so next time they have a problem with school administration they choose a more destructive method of voicing their displeasure (like fucking up a parade while dressed as a pirate). And they can save the hunger strikes for more important matters (like protesting Chad's gayness and Kevin's douchebaggery).

October 27, 2006    :: Comments (4)::

Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Little Red Riding Hood, Raggedy Ann -- Ladies I applaud your ability to adulterate all my childhood memories.
Seriously, take a look at Rainbow Brite: this chick has a head the size of a Propst's ego; her eyes are spread further than Paris Hilton on a Saturday night; and she is clearly wearing that bulbous outfit to hide her felbows ("When the fat from under the arm hangs over the elbow", Urban Dictionary, 2006.).
I never thought the day would come I would exclaim, "Oh man! That Rainbow Brite is hot!"
Last night I joined the rest of Emory's School of Public Health for a Halloween party at Shout in midtown. We started the night off at Fiona's with a Mexican, a 20s flapper, Waldo, Little Red Riding Hood, Iceman (me), Beyonce, Kurt Cobain, Dogg the Bounty Hunter, a scary fat man, Ace and Gary, Martha Stewart, 2 Hooters "girls," a SLUH cheerleader, a prom date, a baby (with wine in her bottle), a hunter mauled by bears, and Hanah & Kevin.
Kevin eventually put on a hat and wrapped himself in toilet paper, but I'm not really sure if this was an attempt at a costume or he was just drunk.
In an effort to keep my newest costume original for Saturday night I broke out a back up outfit and went as Iceman from Top Gun. The most important part of this costume is the giant pair of aviators, and I insisted on wearing them at all times. Ray Charles had better vision than me last night, and he is dead.
Not only have I given up wearing contacts (life is better blurry), but the aviators blacked-out whatever blurred figures I might have seen.
Aside from the expensive drinks, Shout was a pretty cool place and the party was a lot of fun. Unfortunately, my 6 am wake up call forced the Iceman to retire early. I wouldn't want to miss work and let those two cowboys Goose and Maverick become Top Gun. They're dangerous.

October 25, 2006    :: Comments (3)::

It has been a while since I cheated death so I decided to take The Death Test again this afternoon. The internet is still convinced my life span is shorter than Paris Hilton's musical career. Clear your calenders; my most recent expiration date is set for Tuesday, June 5th 2007. Reasons for my demise include:

• Alcoholism (41%)
• Cancer (35%)
• Suicide (8%)
• Horrible Accident (8%)
My new deathday kind of pisses me off. Not only am I going to miss Propst and my 26th birthdays, but Anna Kornikova and Natalie Portman's as well. I guess we we are just going to need a rocking celebration on Friday, June 1st. Maybe this time instead of cheating death I can get the last laugh by dying of alcoholism 4 days ahead of schedule.
Also, what's up with the Horrible Accident? Why can't I die in a Pleasantly Surprising Accident? You know, something like 'drowned by overturned beer truck', or 'smothered by large quantity of boobies.'
Do you think maybe I can use these test results to hit up the make a wish foundation? Because I've always wanted to tell them my wish is "not to die," either that or a Playstation 3; those things are wicked expensive, and if I got one of the very first ones I could make a killing on ebay.

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